Dragon Quest V's Dowry A Doozy.

Developing an iOS port is a lot like stuffing a six-course gourmet dinner into a microwavable box. The ingredients are the same, but the presentation, atmosphere, preparation - something, is going to get lost in the process. Dragon Quest V is such a gourmet meal; a sweeping epic and a shining beacon of classic JRPG perfection. It's a forebearer of Pokemon thanks to its monster-hunting gameplay, the story is well written with emotionally resonate moments and features universal lessons regarding the nature of adulthood, it's full of swashbuckling, dozens of weapons and armor and items, and a lot more. It's superb. But like running 'Sophie's Choice' on Nickelodeon TV, the content is too heavy for the platform.

 If you're the sort of gamer who bemoans a lack of 'console quality' experiences on iOS, well, here you go.
The game has been ported deftly and with care. Multiple control schemes, auto-saves, touch-based menu navigation, the gang's all here, as they say. But it feels like a big screen epic brought to Betamax. Dragon Quest V is a game you almost need to play 2-3 hours at a time to fully appreciate, and a couch, mountain dew, and big screen TV can't hurt either.

It needs the player's focus to be fully appreciated, and most iOS gaming is done on the go or while the potential to be distracted is high. Dragon Quest V is a marathon. It's a game from a different time for a different platform - it's pacing is slower, breadth wider, and intricacies numerous. Conversations are expertly written, but go on and on. Battles are turn based and drawn out. Dungeons arduous, towns labyrinthian in nature. Dragon's Quest V needs room to breathe, and considering so much iOS gaming is done on the go - it can't catch its breath.

Worse, the complexities of the game lend themselves to investigating every nook and cranny, clicking on every item, and random battles, and since you're doing a lot of tap and dragging with your thumbs, you'll occasionally miss stairs, head down a wrong path, or cover the screen. There's a lot of wandering in Dragon Quest.

The best iOS games respect your time and the platform equally. Say what you will about Farmville and Clash of Clans and Words With Friends and Trivia Crack, but they're snappy - well aware that most players are taking a brief reprieve from their day-to-day responsibilities, not sitting down for a long-term game session with a device and screen barely the size of a clenched fist.

ShadowRun: Returns and Battleheart: Legacy are two of my favorite RPGs on mobile, the former being a port. Shadowrun was smart to keep the focus on the tactics, tough choices, and customization, like a one-man X-Com, and Battleheart: Legacy streamlined MMO gameplay into a rich and exciting and charming single player RPG with many branching paths and exciting battles presented in fun-sized chunks. They are complex and rich and feature great depth, but also streamlined.

Then there's also the fact Dragon Quest V: Hand Of The Heavenly Bride is 18.99. One of the things my former boss and unsuspecting mentor Roger Ebert never did was concern himself with cost. It was never if a movie was worth the money - it was if it was worth your time. But at the same time if the home video release of Pulp Fiction was 72 dollars, I think he would have brought it up. 

Look, I'm glad I played Dragon Quest V, and I'd be nuts not to recommend one of the best RPGs of the 1990s. If iOS is your only gaming option, you have a sick apple TV setup, and a controller, you're probably golden. And for the sake of posterity, getting this game on the appstore is a good way to ensure it remains available for the foreseeable future.

Whether or not Dragon Quest V is in your future depends on you. It's not Dragon Quest's fault that it's old, and a LOT of hard work went into this game, twice now if you think about it. Alas, even the best hemmed dress will look funny on a hippo, and due to the price tag and platform incompatibility, Dragon Quest V feels a little like a turkey.